Regret

I think I have only one regret in my life. That I couldn't find someway to keep my children in my life. I know that this isn't really my fault but I regret it all the same.
When I left my family I was dealing with a flair up of both my Bi-polar and Fibromyagia and my husbands determined efforts to shove me out of his life. He had what he wanted from me, the children. At the time there was so much anger and misunderstanding flying around the air was thick and the kids took their fathers side, I guess because they couldn't understand what was going on with me.
I have tried my best to stay in contact with them. While I was living in the woman's shelter I would visit them as often as I could even if it meant I had to face my husband. When time and options there ran out and I had to move 70 miles away I visited them every time I could get back to town. It broke my heart and one of the few times I cried was when my daughter came home and saw me sitting on the porch and turned around and left again.
I do my best to let them know that I still love them and would like to talk to them. I send them Christmas cards and birthday cards. I always include a note and my contact information. I just don't know if their father or they throw them away without even reading them or they just don't care.
I wish that they could have even just sent me a note to tell me my daughter had married and that my son is engaged and not leave me to find out over the Internet.
I haven't yet given up hope tho some days it seem hopeless. I will always love my children and think often of the good times that we did have.

More Dreams

Had another dream this morning.... It seemed to go on forever but I wasn't really asleep for that long. It started out the me and two boys were going up and down the streets of a small town. Similar I guess to the one I grew up in. I think one of the boys was my son Aaron and the other a friend of his, Eddie. We were in a little brown car. We park and leave Bill (my dog growing up) and are walking the streets. Somebody stops us and hires the boys to go up on a roof to get something. I follow along after them but can't get up the tight winder stairs after them and I go back outside where I meet somebody else. This new person and I start going up and down the streets looking for the car. When we find it Bill has broken his leash and has escaped leaving the car door hanging open. I'm kind of worried about this because Bill is a big dog.The next thing I know I'm watching a coven of (good) witches perform a ceremony. Then go off for a bit.There are a lot of people in this part of the dream Including children. Then there is a part where every one is going horse back riding but there are so many people that everyone has to ride double. They put a child with and adult but there isn't a child for me. But one of the witches (my friend?) is night blind and can't ride by herself so I say she can ride with me and teach me to be a better rider. We go to some big old house and she and someone else is already in the room we are going to share with the door locked. I have to talk them into letting me in but it seems to be done in great fun.The next thing I know the witches and I are dealing with a bunch of cats and dogs apparently raised in pet mills (thanks Animal Planet) and we are picking out animals to own. Some are born deformed but have such great personality's that we want them anyway.Then a gang of men burst in. All the children except 2 put on hats that make them disappear. The witches start a dance, then the cops are leading the bad men out and the dance goes into a crazed celebration of dancing between the rows of chairs and then ends up on the stage.

Dreams

Well the weird dreams seem to be back. They stopped for awhile, I didn't miss them.In this one I was a cop and my duty was to pass out the new numbered badges. By the end of the day I only had 3 left to pass out but all hell broke out and an escape convict and his grown daughter got me and two other cops in the back seat of a car and when she tried to jump out and run I caught her by the straps of an undergarment that just stretched and stretched. Then suddenly what she was wearing disappeared and she was wearing bright red bra and panties while a bunch of other cops tackled her. Somehow I manged to loose my brand new badge and the others I had and I had to go to my boss and try and get them replaced.... it was embarrassing

Tired

Very rarely any more do I sleep through the night undisturbed. I wake up a couple of times and can't get back to sleep. It's annoying but I'm almost use to it. It might help a bit if I could get a decent nap in during the day, but that doesn't happen. I lay there staring at the walls and can't seem to slip into sleep.

Early morning

Its 5 a.m. I'm awake and want a smoke, coffee and pastry's. I don't have any of those. I'm going to have to go out and I don't want to but I do anyway. Down to the Hess Station. There's no one else out on the streets. Its so quiet and dark. At the Hess I go for the Extra Large coffee. In the past few years the only time I have coffee when I go to IHOP for pancakes, but I WANT coffee this morning. and then I see the Dunkin' donut display. mmmm OK two chocolate covered donuts go into a bag. Ready to go. Get my smokes at the counter. I'm all set.... $9 and some change. Man what a rip.Oh well to late to go back now. Back out into the cold and drive home trying very hard not to spill my coffee all over myself while I drive. Back home I settle in with my treats... at this moment. LIFE IS GOOD, so are the donuts.