Read down to my Good News

Had a rough go of it starting at the end of August to towards the end of September. My mom collapsed at the doctors office. Duane and I went up to take care of her. I spent 11 days pretty much taking care of her 24/7 at a friends house while Duane was getting his house ready for us to move to. After we all got there, lets just say I will not soon put myself into that kind of situation again. 


After I got home it took me about a week to rest up and get in the swing of my schedule again. I have let the apartment go a little bit, but it's not to bad. I have several projects waiting for me to get to. However I have gotten some projects done. The big one being getting my closet cleaned up and organized. I also took up the old, filthy rug up and replaced it with a nice clean one. I found my good curtains while I was doing the closet. They have been washed, but need to hang on the clothes line a bit longer then ironed.


But my biggest news is that yesterday I got a dog. She is a 14 year old Long hair Chihuahua who I have named Kateri. She's so overweight she waddles. Every time I sit down to eat she comes expecting me to share my dinner with her. Well she will get over that sooner or later. I bought her some Beneful Healthy Weight. She isn't happy about it but she has eaten some of it. Not a lot, but she is starting to get the idea. I am also making her walk (waddle) some. That will increase as she is able. 

She is starting to get use to me and trusts me enough to sleep up here on the bed with me. She started barking more this afternoon. I haven't figured out all her clues yet but we will get there. 

A good memory

I was sitting outside last night just chilling out at Stefani's house in the woods and a memory came over me. Ahh, it made me smile.

One year, Megan for her birthday, didn't want a party, she wanted to go for a hike in the woods. My friend Kathy knew a great place, so we loaded up Megan, Aaron, Jennifer, Eddie, me, Kathy, Duane & Chandra and caravaned to the site. We grabed the back pack of Twinkies (instead of cake) and took off for the woods. Kathy led us to a cool waterfall and we all just explored, played, splashed, chatted and ate the now mushed Twinkies for a couple of hours. We had a blast and it was the best birthday party I have ever been too.

What a crazy month

This month has been crazy and busy. First I started by helping Andrea create her blog for her jewelry. Took a couple of tries to get that right. Then we spent 2 Saturdays getting photos of the jewelry. Hot 95* days outside using the natural light as much as we could. Then I put the photos on the blog. (over several days) I did not like how I had done one batch so I deleted it and re-posted those. Now it's looking good and I'm still trying to find a way to promote the blog without spending any money. ASKreations...Jewelry

Got a new doctor at the VA who actually knew what fibromyalgia was and apparently can treat it. He put me on some new meds that do seem to be helping, but at the same time I apparently have a pinched nerve in my lower back. So I have been sent for lumbar x-rays and MRI. Then one of my teeth that had been broken for a while, started chewing up my tongue. Extremely painful. When I went back to the VA for this my doctor was running at least 2 hours behind so I saw another doctor who gave me more pain pills, antibiotics  and called the head of the dental department and left a message. Two days later I got my tooth pulled (after listening to numerous lectures on the fact that I didn't qualify for VA dental care and this was a one time, emergency thing and not to come back...really rude but I got the tooth out)

I have also started going to the YMCA for their Aqua Fit program 2 days a week. (I wonder how thats going to work in the winter, it's in an outdoor pool) and I go to The Digital Underground Cafe a couple days a week. So I have gone from a stay at home bed slug to and over scheduled on the go girl. In ways coming out of that depression has been wonderful. Interacting with people and life, but it sure can be exhausting. Even thought I'm doing better with the new meds for the fibromyalgia I still have to be careful as to how I do things and an active day can wear me completely out.  I look forward now, to the days I can stay home and not do anything, except maybe straighting out the apartment some. I'm trying real hard to keep up on that so I can actually have people in and not be embarrassed.

Well time to get going. Another day of Aqua Fit and The Digital Underground Cafe. Hope to be home by noon and be able to rest up a bit this afternoon.

As always, thinking of my kids, missing them and loving them ALWAYS & FOREVER!

My favorite photo ever!

I have just recently been able to deal with some hard things. One that I'm working on is sorting and organizing three shoe boxes of photos. It's going to be a much bigger task than I first thought. I looked through them and found some of my favorites. This one is the best of the best. This is my love of my children. I miss them so bad some days.

Me and my children, Aaron and Megan, and of course Clint

Alive again

Around the end of May (and my 48th birthday) I started coming out of the long term depression I had been mired in. At first I was terrified that my bi-polar was acting up again. It had been so long since I had felt happy and good I didn't recognize what it was. No it was not my bi-polar, I was just happy again. About the same time one of my doctors at the VA gave me a prescription to help me sleep better (I was only sleeping 2-4 hours a night) She gave me Amitriptyline. I have a feeling that this med has helped me in maintaining my good mood.

Had some things going on that were really frustrating. Mostly to do with treating my Fibro, but instead of letting it get to me I just shrugged my shoulders and went on to the next thing that might help. In a surprise ending the new general practitioner doctor I got assigned to at the VA knew about and could treat me for my fibro, I had gotten so use to the VA not being able to deal with my problem it kind of in a good way floored me. I am now on a med that has been used successfully for fibro for a long time. Haven't been on it quiet long enough to see any results yet but I am hopeful.

 Other things have changed for me since May. I joined a book club at the library, mostly just to get out of the house, and I even participated a bit in the discussions. Shortly after that my computer died in the computer geeks hands as I stood over his shoulder. Poof...dead!  I bought another cpu from the computer geek but it started acting up the first week. I took it to him to look at, but at that time they had just closed on a house and he was super busy trying to get it ready to move into and didn't have time to work on computers.  I went into their Cafe several times over the next week or so to use their computers and fell in love with the laptop I used when I was there. I asked if they would consider taking payments for the balance on it (they already had $100 of my money for the non-working cpu) to my amazement and delight they accepted my offer and I am now on a laptop. I have dial up at home but the laptop is set up for wi-fi too. I can take it to the Cafe, the library, McDonald's and my step-mom's and use wi-fi. for things that I want to do that speed makes easier., Like downloading programs, pictures and posting things with pictures in them. I still go to the Cafe usually three times a week. It is good for me to get out of the house and I have made friends with Mark (the geek) and his wife Ronda. I see and talk to other people while I am there too (actually got hit on there yesterday, was kind of funny and flattering at the same time).

So even though I have been unable to get in contact with my kids (the most important thing on my to do list) I have been doing really well the past few months. I talk to people more. Last Saturday I even joked with and horsed around with someone I had only met twice before. And it was all good. I wouldn't have even considered doing some like that just a few short moths ago. I am also participating more in my on-line sites instead of lurking in the background and here is the BIGGY I'm using the phone again...had a real phobia about that for the longest time. It really tied me up in knots every time I picked up the receiver.  I surprised my mom with a phone call. It delighted her. And I was proud of myself for having been able to do it.

Before you leave my blog please feed the fish on the right  side of the screen. Just click your mouse over the blank spaces and food will appear and the fish will swarm around it and eat it.

Thanks for stopping by. Have a happy day!

well that just sucks!

It's so frustrating sometimes to be poor. Medicaid of Florida makes you pick out HMO to use. I never used mine because I get my health care from the VA. But they don't really treat Fibromyalgia. I finally started using my HMO because I wanted to see a rhymutoligist for my fibro. I got in to see a doctor and he started me on Lyirca with samples. I told them to call my HMO to see if the plan covered Lyirica before he prescribed it. Well he calls in a script and my pharmacy puts in a special order to get it. Then the doctors office calls me and tells me that the HMO will not cover Lyrica and oh by the way the doctor is no longer taking your HMO.

So I spend Friday getting it canceled and talking to the medicaid people. The battery in my phone dies in the middle of this and I have to go off and find another phone. I am now supposed to pick one of four other HMO's. I spent Sunday at McDonald's in the playplace area because thats the only place that has plugs for my laptop. I have way to much to look at to use just my battery. I notice that the doctor is listed under 2 of the other HMO's. OK maybe I can still see him.

First thing Monday morning I call his office and ask about him taking either of them and the girl who answered the phone said that he wasn't taking any of them anymore . The next nearest doctor my first HMO could find was 40 miles away. I just can't do that right now. Not even if they provide transportation like I think they said they would.

So I'm back with the VA I have a new doctor there and we will see what he can do or set up for me. Also learned about a medication that has been used for fibromyalgia for years that nobody even told me about let alone tried on me. I will bring this up to the new doctor.

Regret

I think I have only one regret in my life. That I couldn't find someway to keep my children in my life. I know that this isn't really my fault but I regret it all the same.
When I left my family I was dealing with a flair up of both my Bi-polar and Fibromyagia and my husbands determined efforts to shove me out of his life. He had what he wanted from me, the children. At the time there was so much anger and misunderstanding flying around the air was thick and the kids took their fathers side, I guess because they couldn't understand what was going on with me.
I have tried my best to stay in contact with them. While I was living in the woman's shelter I would visit them as often as I could even if it meant I had to face my husband. When time and options there ran out and I had to move 70 miles away I visited them every time I could get back to town. It broke my heart and one of the few times I cried was when my daughter came home and saw me sitting on the porch and turned around and left again.
I do my best to let them know that I still love them and would like to talk to them. I send them Christmas cards and birthday cards. I always include a note and my contact information. I just don't know if their father or they throw them away without even reading them or they just don't care.
I wish that they could have even just sent me a note to tell me my daughter had married and that my son is engaged and not leave me to find out over the Internet.
I haven't yet given up hope tho some days it seem hopeless. I will always love my children and think often of the good times that we did have.

More Dreams

Had another dream this morning.... It seemed to go on forever but I wasn't really asleep for that long. It started out the me and two boys were going up and down the streets of a small town. Similar I guess to the one I grew up in. I think one of the boys was my son Aaron and the other a friend of his, Eddie. We were in a little brown car. We park and leave Bill (my dog growing up) and are walking the streets. Somebody stops us and hires the boys to go up on a roof to get something. I follow along after them but can't get up the tight winder stairs after them and I go back outside where I meet somebody else. This new person and I start going up and down the streets looking for the car. When we find it Bill has broken his leash and has escaped leaving the car door hanging open. I'm kind of worried about this because Bill is a big dog.The next thing I know I'm watching a coven of (good) witches perform a ceremony. Then go off for a bit.There are a lot of people in this part of the dream Including children. Then there is a part where every one is going horse back riding but there are so many people that everyone has to ride double. They put a child with and adult but there isn't a child for me. But one of the witches (my friend?) is night blind and can't ride by herself so I say she can ride with me and teach me to be a better rider. We go to some big old house and she and someone else is already in the room we are going to share with the door locked. I have to talk them into letting me in but it seems to be done in great fun.The next thing I know the witches and I are dealing with a bunch of cats and dogs apparently raised in pet mills (thanks Animal Planet) and we are picking out animals to own. Some are born deformed but have such great personality's that we want them anyway.Then a gang of men burst in. All the children except 2 put on hats that make them disappear. The witches start a dance, then the cops are leading the bad men out and the dance goes into a crazed celebration of dancing between the rows of chairs and then ends up on the stage.

Dreams

Well the weird dreams seem to be back. They stopped for awhile, I didn't miss them.In this one I was a cop and my duty was to pass out the new numbered badges. By the end of the day I only had 3 left to pass out but all hell broke out and an escape convict and his grown daughter got me and two other cops in the back seat of a car and when she tried to jump out and run I caught her by the straps of an undergarment that just stretched and stretched. Then suddenly what she was wearing disappeared and she was wearing bright red bra and panties while a bunch of other cops tackled her. Somehow I manged to loose my brand new badge and the others I had and I had to go to my boss and try and get them replaced.... it was embarrassing

Tired

Very rarely any more do I sleep through the night undisturbed. I wake up a couple of times and can't get back to sleep. It's annoying but I'm almost use to it. It might help a bit if I could get a decent nap in during the day, but that doesn't happen. I lay there staring at the walls and can't seem to slip into sleep.

Early morning

Its 5 a.m. I'm awake and want a smoke, coffee and pastry's. I don't have any of those. I'm going to have to go out and I don't want to but I do anyway. Down to the Hess Station. There's no one else out on the streets. Its so quiet and dark. At the Hess I go for the Extra Large coffee. In the past few years the only time I have coffee when I go to IHOP for pancakes, but I WANT coffee this morning. and then I see the Dunkin' donut display. mmmm OK two chocolate covered donuts go into a bag. Ready to go. Get my smokes at the counter. I'm all set.... $9 and some change. Man what a rip.Oh well to late to go back now. Back out into the cold and drive home trying very hard not to spill my coffee all over myself while I drive. Back home I settle in with my treats... at this moment. LIFE IS GOOD, so are the donuts.